Son of the Joker
by Loki Palmer
Summary: What if all the time in Azkaban had driven Sirius Black insane? HP/HG.
1. Chapter 1

**"Son of the Joker"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I'm dedicating this story to DZ2, whose one-shot "Harry's Last Laugh" is a minor inspiration for this, and, of course, to all of my other fans. For the record, this story is not a true crossover, in spite of the title or whatever references may be made to characters that we all know and love. I hope you enjoy this!**

**Chapter 1**

Harry Potter had saved the Wizarding World a total of three times. The first time was as a baby when his mother had given her life to protect him. The second time was in his first year, when he had stopped Voldemort, in Professor Quirrell's body, from getting his hands on the Philosopher's Stone. The third time was when he had killed off Slytherin's Basilisk, then, using the fang that had stabbed him, he destroyed a diary that had belonged to a young Tom Marvolo Riddle – known as Lord Voldemort in the present time.

Did any of this mean anything to the family of Muggles – the Dursleys – who had taken him in under their roof? In spite of the small family connection – Aunt Petunia was Harry's maternal aunt – no. They had kept him in a cupboard under the stairs for ten years of his life, moving him to a bedroom when the flock of Hogwarts letters started to arrive. Though the beatings had stopped, their attitude about him did not change. In their eyes, he was a freak of nature to avoid at all costs.

The summer chores continued on their merry way – whether it was gardening, cleaning, cooking – he did it. Over the years, he had become an excellent chef. Considering that he spent most of his year at Hogwarts, Petunia could not blame his excellent cooking for Dudley's massive growth in weight. Uncle Vernon himself was the size of a walrus, so it must be something in the genes.

Harry had to try his hardest not to burst a gut laughing at the size of his cousin this summer. The summer before the second year, Dudley looked like a pig in a wig. Now, Dudley's girth was so massive that if he laid down on a beach, Greenpeace would mistake him for a whale and try to toss him back in the ocean.

When they got home, Petunia made the announcement that she was putting Vernon and Dudley on a diet. This commandment met with howls of protest.

"Petunia, we're not fat," said Vernon. "We just have big appetites."

"When you eat, Vernon, there is supposed to be a point at which your body tells you that it has eaten enough. Have you ever paid attention to your body's protests?"

Vernon hung his head.

"I thought not, Vernon, and it seems to me that Dudley does not pay attention either. It surprises me to think that neither of you have had any heart attacks, but if the two of you continue eating like this, a heart attack would not be long in coming. The both of you need to eat a better diet and watch how much you eat. Now that I have said something, I have another announcement. Harry needs to eat more food as well."

"WHAT?!" said Vernon. "The boy's going to eat us out of house and home!"

Even Harry was spinning his head in some disbelief. As far as he could recall, this was the first time Aunt Petunia had referred to him by name.

"He has a name, Vernon! If we fed Harry small portions like we have before, don't you think someone may notice and ask questions? What if someone calls the police?"

"I have good lawyers."

"Even your lawyers would run the other way when they heard of charges of child abuse and neglect, Vernon, but my point remains. If you do not accept my two proposals, the kitchen will remain closed to the both of you."

Both Vernon and Dudley surrendered; a potential loss of the kitchen was too terrifying to contemplate. She had made them an offer they could not refuse.

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

For his birthday, Harry received a Pocket Sneakoscope from Ron (it lit up if there was anyone untrustworthy around), a monstrous book from Hagrid, and, from Hermione, a Broomstick Servicing Kit – a most welcome addition, as one of his prize possessions was a Nimbus 2000 he used to play Seeker in the Wizarding Sport of Quidditch.

Thinking about Hermione and her wonderful present started Harry thinking, "Alas, puberty must be hitting me at this point in time. If only Hermione could service my broomstick sometime ... and I'm not talking about my Nimbus! OH!"

That night, he had several inappropriate dreams about Hermione. During the same night, she was having several inappropriate dreams about him ...

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

The next morning, Harry found Uncle Vernon in the living room.

"Uncle Vernon? My school gave me a form that needs a signature ..."

Vernon took the form. "Ah, and I expect you need my signature, right?"

"Yes, please, if it's no problem."

Vernon looked at it. "What is this Hogsmeade Village?"

"It's a village near to my school." Harry breathed a sigh of relief. Doing his research beforehand had its advantages.

Vernon gave it some thought. "If everything goes well for the remainder of the summer, I'll sign your ruddy form. I think I should give you some fair warning: Marge is coming to visit for a week, so I will expect you to be on your best behavior."

"Of course. So far, nothing bad has happened."

"For which I am grateful, and I expect it to stay that way."

As he went back to his room, Harry suppressed an inward groan. "Anyone but Marge," he thought. "She's horrible!"

_"Harry,"_ he heard Hermione's voice say in his mind, _"what do you mean, she's horrible?"_

Harry looked around his room, but saw no one. "That's strange ... it sounded like Hermione was talking to me ... it was like she was right next to me here, yet I'm not seeing her ... she did say it was not a good sign to hear voices no one else could hear."

_"Yes, I did say that, Harry ... the problem is, I'm hearing your voice in my head, and I don't know what's causing it."_

"Good thing or bad thing?"

_"I don't know yet, but not knowing the nature of this is driving me mad."_

"I can imagine."

_"Quite. So, Harry, back to my first question: what do you mean, Marge is horrible? Who is Marge?"_

"She's Uncle Vernon's sister. All the time I have known her, she has criticized me ... one of her bulldogs ran after me once, and she wouldn't call him off."

_"The bulldog didn't bite you, did he?"_

"No, he just chased me up a tree. I don't know how I'm going to survive the week."

_"There's no need to be so pessimistic, Harry. Try thinking positive."_

"Okay, Hermione. I'm positive that I'm not going to survive this week."

He sensed a mental groan from Hermione, though there was a small chuckle with it. _ "That was not what I meant by thinking positive."_

**"Considering what he had to go through, Hermione,"** said another voice, **"it's no surprise Massah Harry has a hard time thinking positive . Look at the po' boy's track record. At least Massah Harry don't have to worry about no Dursley crackers locking him up in no owl cage .. .nobody knows the** **trouble I've seen ... nobody knows my sorrow ..."**

Harry rolled his eyes. "Great ... now I can certify that I am crazy. Not only am I hearing Hermione's voice, I'm hearing Hedwig's voice too. Oy, gevalt ..."

**"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen ... glory, hallelujah ..."**

_"Harry?"_

"Yeah, Hermione?"

_"You're right. This is weird."_

"Am I crazy, Hermione?"

_"I think the jury's still out on that question."_

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

"There's my little neffy-poo! Ripper, come up here and give Duddy some kisses!"

Marge's bulldog came up and gave Dudley some enthusiastic kisses. Harry came back into the living room after he carried Marge's suitcase to the guest room.

"Oh, you're still here, are you?"

"Yes."

"Don't say 'yes,' in that ungrateful tone, boy. Bloody good of my brother to keep you. If you ended up on my doorstep, boy, I would have sent you straight to an orphanage."

"At least living in an orphanage would have been better than suffering in this hellhole," thought Harry.

_"Maybe, Harry, but they rationed the orphan's food in the orphanages,"_ thought Hermione. _"Remember Oliver Twist's famous line that got him expelled?"_

" 'Please, sir, I want some more?' "

_"That's the one. I didn't know you read literature, Harry."_

"It's one of my few solaces out here. That, and thinking about you."

Harry could sense a blush creeping onto Hermione's face. _ "Aw, aren't you a dear."_

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

It was toward the end of Marge's week-long stay.

"An excellent nosh, Petunia, just excellent."

"You would have to thank Harry for that; he's the one who cooked it."

Marge's widened eyes looked at Harry. "You cooked this?"

Harry gave her a happy nod.

Marge raised her glass in salute. "My compliments to the chef. Who knows, you may grow up to be a fine chef one day, and you've come a longer way than your parents. What did you say his father did, Vernon?"

"Unemployed, as far as I can guess."

"Ah, one of those drunken bums who sucked off the government's proverbial teat?"

Harry felt a wave of anger. "That's a lie."

"What was that, boy?"

"MY FATHER WASN'T A DRUNK!"

With that yell, Marge's glass exploded.

"Harry," said Vernon, holding his hands up in a pleading gesture. "I think it's about time you went to bed, eh?"

"Oh, Vernon, don't worry – I have a firm grip. You, boy – clean it up."

"Yes, ma'am."

As Harry swept up the remains of her glass, Marge continued to talk, saying, "You must not blame yourself for how the boy turned out, Petunia. You see this same phenomenon all the time with dogs – if there's something wrong with the bitch, there's something wrong with the pup."

Harry threw down his towel. "SHUT UP! YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MY PARENTS! NOTHING!"

The shockwave of Accidental Magic that blew out of Harry blew out the electricity in 4 Privet Drive. Everyone then heard a voice singing:

"Hush, little Harry, don't you cry;

Daddy's going to make sure the world will die!

Put your enemies all in a cell;

Make the buggers wish that they were in Hell ..."

The source of the voice revealed himself. He was a tall man, face painted white with a red ear-to-ear grin, and wearing a purple tuxedo. He burst out into maniacal laughter, but stopped upon noticing nobody else was laughing.

"Wow, tough crowd, and that was a good parody, if I do say so myself."

"I thought it was good," said another man who had entered. This one had a half scarred face.

"Then why weren't you laughing?"

"I was; you just couldn't hear me over your insane cackle."

"Ah, details, details, details. Not important right now, my dear friend."

Vernon's face had gone red. "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU FREAKS? I DEMAND YOU GET OUT OF HERE!"

The first stranger turned to him. "Vernon Dursley ... I can't believe you don't remember me, because I sure as Hellfire remember you. When was it that I first met you – your wedding or my own? Either way, Lily and I remember you as one of the most unpleasant characters we ever met. Even though Petunia IS Harry's maternal aunt, Lily and I left specific instructions in our joint will that Harry must NEVER go to you, so –"

THWACK! Here he hit Vernon with his cane across the face, saying, "– WHO LEFT HIM HERE, YOU BIGOTED, CORPULENT, WALRUS-SIZED SON OF A BITCH?!" THWACK! "WHO LEFT HIM HERE?!" THWACK! "WHO?!" THWACK! "WHO?!" THWACK! "WHO?! ANSWER ME!"

Petunia could not bear the sight of Vernon's beating. "IT WAS DUMBLEDORE!"

The beating paused. "Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts? Are you sure about this, Petunia?"

Petunia gave him a fearful nod.

The stranger shook his head as he let out a sigh. "I should have known that Manipulative Old Goat would be behind this unfortunate situation." He got up from his position over Vernon's bleeding face, and looking at Harry, gave his face some loving strokes. "My boy ... it's been so long since I've last seen my boy ... you have grown so much since that fateful night .. Harry ... I don't know if you remember me or not, but ... I'm your father ... Sirius Black ..."

"I wouldn't go for the phone if I were you," said the second stranger to the Dursleys. "Young Harry knocked out the electricity, so it doesn't matter if you want help or not."

Harry did not know what to say. "But ... I thought my father was James Potter."

"No, my dear son ... James Potter is your godfather, not to mention he has a half scarred face."

"It's a pleasure to see you after so long, kid," said James.

"So, Dad ... if my name is not Harry James Potter, what is it?"

"Your full name, my son, is Harry Damien Diabolitus Black."

"Think about it, Siri," said James. "It could be worse. If he was born a Dursley, he would be an H-DEE-DEE-DEE!"

The two of them laughed.

"Okay, James, how about you go up and get Harry's things? We'll be leaving soon. While he's gone, Harry, look at me ... this will take a couple seconds ..."

Sirius Black looked at Harry's memories, in particular the ones dealing with 4 Privet Drive. His face reddened with anger upon seeing the way they treated his boy.

"You ... people ... disgust me ... You think of my boy, who never did you any wrong, as some kind of ffffffffffffffffreak ... you treat him worse than a slave ... AND YOU BEAT HIM?!"

With this yell, he flew into a rage, hitting the assembled Dursleys several times with his cane. Ripper tried to defend his mistress from the attack, but failed as Sirius kicked him into a wall.

"Siri, I've got Harry's things," said James.

"Harry, run and check that he has everything."

Harry ran up to his room. It was bare. James was thorough in emptying the place. Harry ran back.

"There's nothing left."

"Good ... because I don't plan to come back here ever again. Vernon Dursley, you remind me so much of my bigoted Father ... I HATED HIM! Oh ... one last thing I must add ..."

Vernon's bloody face looked up. "What's ... that?"

"Remember, Vernon: everything must burn in the end ... toodle-oo!"

As the trio Apparated out, Sirius pushed a button, activating a bomb that James placed under their dining table.

BOOM! 4 Privet Drive and the Dursleys were no more ... than a pile of ashes ...

**Author's Note: Well, I sure enjoyed that. I think this can turn into an entertaining story. Read and review!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


	2. Chapter 2

**"Son of the Joker"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I'm glad everyone enjoyed that first chapter.**

**Chapter 2**

Sirus, Harry and James arrived within a hallway.

"Where are we, Dad?"

"This, son, is your new home at 12 Grimmauld Place. The Black Family has lived here for generations upon generations. Yeah, it may seem dark and it needs a good cleanup, but it's still home sweet home. Come along and I'll show you the Black Family Tapestry."

The Black Family Tapestry was a wall-sized family tree.

"This tapestry updates itself with each addition to the Family. There's my name .. a line leading to Lily, your Mother ... boy, it was such an annoyance to the Family to have a Muggleborn join ... and, underneath us, you see, Harry, is you. Harry Damien Diabolitus Black. Hold on just a minute ... does the last name Granger ring a bell, James?"

"Nope. Harry? Kid, you'd better close your mouth lest some insects decide to camp there."

Harry glared at his godfather's lopsided grin. "I haven't told you my entire story, have I, Dad?"

"No, son, you have not. You looked stunned there for a minute."

"I was, Dad. How do I explain who she is?"

"How about we go into the dining room, sit down, and you can tell me about her from the beginning."

They moved into the dining room. "So, where did you first meet Hermione?"

"It was on the Hogwarts Express. She was looking around for a toad that a boy named Neville had lost."

"Love at first sight?" said James.

Harry shook his head. "Sorry to disappoint you, godfather, but no."

"Aw, shoot. Continue. Into what House did the Sorting Hat place her?"

"She went into Gryffindor, same as me."

"YEAH!" James and Sirius gave each other high fives.

"That was where James and I went during our time at Hogwarts. I was the first Gryffindor Black in a long time."

"Where did the other Blacks go?"

"Slytherin," said Sirius with a shudder.

"The Sorting Hat said to me that I could do well in Slytherin, but I pleaded with it, so it placed me in Gryffindor."

"So, what kind of person is Hermione?"

"She loves books, she's brilliant ... she's saved my life numerous times ... while I saved her life at least once."

"Quick question, son: is she a redhead?"

"No, Dad, her hair is chestnut brown."

"Whew. At least my son doesn't have an Oedipus complex."

"Oedipus what?" thought Harry.

_"An oedipus complex, Harry," _said Hermione in his mind, _"comes from the Greek myth of Oedipus, who killed his father and married his mother. It is Sigmund Freud's term for the male's tendency to be attracted to someone like their mother. In your case, Ginny Weasley."_

Harry gave a mental shudder. "Thanks for the image, Hermione. I will be having nightmares about that idea for a while."

_"No problem."_

"Harry? Harry?"

"What is it?"

"You blanked out on us for a couple seconds. You okay?"

"I'm fine ... I just had a brief mental conversation with Hermione."

"A mental conversation?" Sirius and James said.

"Yeah ... why do you look so shocked?"

"Since when did these conversations start?"

"Since ... the day after my 13th birthday."

"When was the first time you saved her life?"

"Halloween of my first year. Hermione had tried to help out my friend Ron Weasley, and Ron insulted her, so she went crying into the bathroom. That night, Professor Quirrell, our Defense professor, said there was a troll in the dungeons. I took Ron with me to collect Hermione from the bathroom, but the troll got there first. We didn't kill it, but we knocked it out with its club."

"What was the spell, and who cast it?"

"It was Wingardium Leviosa, and Ron cast it. He was having trouble with it earlier, that's why Hermione was helping him."

James snorted. "Either this Weasley kid has a slow time developing, or he's dumber than the troll he knocked out."

"Maybe so, James, maybe so ... I smell a setup."

Harry's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean, a setup?"

"Don't you think Hermione would feel grateful to the one who knocked out the troll?"

"Why should she feel grateful to Ron? He is the one who insulted her in the first place!"

"That's right, son. You cannot put someone's life in danger and save them from it, hoping to get a magical debt owed to you out of it. Magic doesn't work that way. Even though Ron knocked out the troll, since you went in there to save Hermione, you are the hero. Her hero, Harry. You say she saved your life as well?"

"Yes ... during my first Quidditch match ..."

"What position?" said James.

"Seeker ... youngest in a century."

Sirius ruffled Harry's hair. "That's my boy. Continue."

"My broom started to lurch, threatening to buck me off. Thinking Snape was the one behind the cursing of my broom, Hermione set fire to his robe."

This set off James and Sirius to uproarious laughter. As it calmed down a couple minutes later, they were wiping tears of mirth from their eyes.

"When are we going to meet Hermione, Harry?" said James.

"Yeah, son, any female who can set fire to old Snivelly's robes to save you is a keeper in my book!"

"Before we meet this charming young lady, I think we should take him out to get some new clothes, Siri."

"Agreed, James. We shall take him out for a classic shopping trip, but we need to stop by Gringotts to talk with the Goblins. No offense, Harry, but your casual clothes leave much to be desired. We will need to amp your wardrobe up to LADY KILLER level so Hermione can't resist you."

"Dad, what do you mean? She already can't resist me!"

Sirius laughed. "Spoken like a true son of mine! You still need to be able to impress her Father."

"She is pretty, right?" said James. "A general rule says there is an inverse relation between brains and beauty."

"If she is beautiful, it may raise how hard the Father will fight to make sure she has someone worthy of his approval."

"Hey, wait, nobody said there would be fighting involved!"

Sirius chuckled. "Relax, son, I was being metaphorical. It means he will give you a hard time ... you know, busting your balls a little, you understand me?"

"Doesn't her opinion count for anything?"

"In this patriarchal society of ours, I would say ... not much, if any. Since you have saved her life, that will count for much, so don't feel too discouraged. Out of curiosity – not that it matters diddlysquat to me – what's her background?"

"She's Muggleborn, and to answer Godfather's question, she's gorgeous."

"Where would she be on a scale from one to ten?"

"One being, 'The face that launched a thousand ships – the other way,' and ten being, 'Good giggity, I think I've died and gone to Heaven!'?"

Harry's only answer was a heavy blush and a wide grin.

"I think we have our answer, James."

"She's a Ten! WOO-HOO!"

"Quite." Sirius thought for a few moments. "I think I know what's causing this strange phenomenon you're experiencing. Have you heard of a Bond?"

Harry shook his head.

"I'm not surprised, son; few have heard of it, for it is a rare Magic. To put it in simple terms, a Bond is a Magical manifestation of what Muggles call a Match made in Heaven. A male and a female who are perfect for each other and who are blessed with a Bond will start to meld in mind and magic. Of course, they will meld in the body at some point – giggity – but that is not required for the Bond's completion. It will mature on its own time, given enough time and nurture – often around the time of puberty."

Harry sent this information to Hermione. _"Hmm,"_ she thought back to him, _"it makes sense that I've never heard of it. When will I see you again, Harry?"_

"I hope it's soon. My dad and godfather want to meet you."

He could sense some minor confusion on her end. _"What do you mean, Harry?"_

"Hermione, trust me on this. My father's alive and I'm not crazy. We have a couple stops to make first, then we will come to see you."

_"As much of a relief it is to know the explanation behind this, I hope to see you soon as well."_

"You will, Hermione. Don't you worry."

**Author's Note: Another chapter done. Read and review!**

**Smiles,**

**Loki Palmer**


	3. Chapter 3

**"Son of the Joker"**  
By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I was glad to get your attention, DZ2, and I'm glad you like how this is turning out so far.**

**Chapter 3**

"I will have to go to the airport to see if the Weasleys are back from Egypt," said James. "Harry, you don't mind if I borrow your Invisibility Cloak, do you?"

"No, godfather, go right ahead."

James rummaged through Harry's trunk. "Ah, here you are, my old friend. Siri, I'll meet you and Harry at Gringotts."

"Godspeed ... Two Face."

James gave them a lopsided grin and departed.

"Dad, how did his face get like that?"

"That's a story I will have to tell you later, son. I hope everything is well in Gringotts with the Black Vault ... or heads are going to roll. Grab a hold of me, and I will take us there."

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

Arriving at the airport, James saw an old friend.

"Hey, Moony, long time no see."

"Now, there are none but three in the world who know me by that name," Remus said as he turned around. "Prongs, is that you?"

"In the flesh. Are you working as an airport security guard now?"

"I have the build and the speed for it."

"How do they deal with your furry little problem?"

"I've explained it to my boss as a terrible monthly sickness. He makes sure there is someone to cover for me during the times I have to be absent."

"I'm glad to hear it. Any sign of the Weasleys yet?"

"Not yet. Why do you ask?"

James fished a picture out of his pocket. "Here's a picture in The Daily Prophet about them. Take a close look at it, and tell me what you see."

Remus examined it. "Besides the Weasleys ... hold on ... a rat on one of their shoulders?"

"Yep, you got it right in one. Who else do we know that's a rat?"

"Wormtail." The word came out in a growl.

"Easy there, Moony, easy. I don't want you to go psycho, nobody does, not in this environment."

Remus lowered his voice. "That backstabbing bastard of a rat is missing a toe, Prongs! They said the only part of Pettigrew they could find was his finger! I can't believe he's still alive!"

"Yep, he is. Tell your fellow security guards that the dragon shite's about to hit the spinning blades, if they get the drift."

"The expression doesn't specify what kind of shite, Prongs."

James shrugged. "Whatever. Things should be getting ... hairy in here in about a minute ..."

A fellow security guard overheard. "What do you mean by that, sir? Who are you?"

"I'm a fellow officer of the law," said James, holding out his identification. "I have a suspect to pick up here."

"What do you mean by suspect, Officer Potter? We don't have any suspects in custody."

James grinned. "You will. Can I count on you for some backup, in case he tries to escape?"

"Yes, sir, you can count on us. Do you have a name and description?"

"His name is Peter Pettigrew. He's short, pudgy, rat-faced ... and when I say rat-faced, I MEAN rat-faced. I have to take him in alive. I believe he should be traveling with a family of redheads called the Weasleys."

"Officer Potter? It looks like they've just arrived, but no man of that description is with them."

"Is there a rat with them?"

"That's an affirmative."

"Confiscate it, and bring it to Officer Lupin and me."

"Understood, sir. Mr. Weasley?"

"Yes, Officer?"

"We need to confiscate this rat from you for inspection. We will be just a moment."

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

They took the rat and its cage into a private room. "Lock the door. We don't want him to escape when we let him out of the cage."

Upon seeing its cage open, the rat tried to make a run for it, when the Animagus Reversal spell hit him, bringing him back into human form.

The other security guards were ready. "FREEZE, SCUMBAG!"

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!"

"DON'T MOVE A FREAKING MUSCLE!"

James smiled as he put handcuffs on a frightened Pettigrew. "Peter Pettigrew, you are under arrest for being an accessory to the murder of Lily Black as well as the murder of 13 Muggles in a London street, not to mention all that property damage from blowing up that gas line. I know you're guilty, you little rat, so don't try to talk your way out of it."

He held Pettigrew in a sleeper hold, knocking him out for the moment..

"Moony, frisk him."

Remus inspected Pettigrew, finding two wands on him, which he handed to James.

"Officer Potter," said one of the guards, "what's a Muggle?"

"Officer Lupin will explain it to you. In the meantime, I have to escort this prisoner into custody. Cheerio."

Remus Lupin put on a pair of sunglasses and held up what looked like an electronic pen. "Gentlemen, the answers you seek lie in this little device." He pressed a button, and a light shone. "Thank you for your cooperation. Thanks to your excellent teamwork, my colleague has apprehended a dangerous terrorist. It's been great working with you all, but I have to get going myself for better things on the horizon."

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

A rapping sounded on the door of the Head Auror's office. "Who is it?"

"Madam Bones, this is Auror Potter, reporting with a new prisoner for questioning."

"Come in."

What Madam Amelia Bones, Director of the DMLE was not expecting was to see Auror James Potter enter with an alive Peter Pettigrew.

"Auror Potter, what is the meaning of this? This had better not be some joke."

"It is not, Madam, I assure you. I discovered and arrested him at the airport on the charges of being an accessory to the murder of Lily Black and the murder of those 13 Muggles."

"He's not dead, is he, Auror Potter?"

"No, Madam - only knocked out so he wouldn't give me any trouble. Shall we call the Minister?"

Madam Bones went over to her fireplace, threw in some Floo powder, and stuck her head through the green flames. "Minister's office!"

"Why, Madam Bones, what brings you here on a Floo call to me?"

"Minister, Auror Potter has brought in an interesting prisoner. I just thought you might like to be a witness to his questioning."

"Why would you think I would be interested, Madam?"

"It involves the case of Sirius Black."

This attracted the Minister's attention. "Sirius Black, you say? Give me a couple minutes, and I'll be right over to your office, Madam."

A couple minutes later, he came through the Floo. His mouth dropped open in brief surprise. "Peter Pettigrew! He's still alive?"

"Like I said to Madam Bones, Minister, he's just knocked out."

"Well, let's wake him up and pump some Veritaserum in him."

"Ennervate."

Peter Pettigrew woke up. "Where am I?"

"You are in the Ministry, Peter, and we are about to question you ... with Veritaserum. Will you accept?"

Peter sighed. "Yes, I will accept it."

Madam Bones put the three required drops of Veritaserum on his tongue. "State your name for the record."

"Peter Jonah Pettigew."

"You were a friend of James Potter, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin, is that correct?"

"Yes."

"Were you a Secret Keeper?"

"Yes, I was."

"For the Potters?"

"No, for the Blacks."

"Why did you ask that question, Madam?" said James. "I never married, you know that."

Madam Bones waved off the question. "Irrelevant. Are you a follower of Lord Voldemort, also known as a Death Eater?"

"Yes."

"Was Sirius Black ever in the same organization?"

"No."

"Did you betray Sirius and Lily Black to Lord Voldemort?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"The Dark Lord possesses terrible ways of torturing people for information. He would have tortured me or killed me if I refused."

"Did Sirius Black kill those 13 Muggles with a gas line explosion?"

"No."

"Did you?"

"Yes."

Minister Fudge raised his hand. "I have one question, Pettigrew: how was it that the only thing we found was your finger?"

"I cut it off before I blew the gas line and disappeared as a rat."

Madam Bones continued the questions. "Have you registered your rat Animagus form with the Ministry, Pettigrew?"

"No."

"How did you become an Animagus, then?"

"James, Sirius, and I became Animagi at Hogwarts so we could keep Remus Lupin company during his transformations."

Madam Bones looked at James. "Auror Potter, you never told me you were an Animagus."

"My apologies, Madam, but the best secrets are those the enemy does not know."

She nodded. "Indeed. You and Sirius can register with me. Minister, we trust you to keep this in the strictest of confidence."

The Minister was writing on a parchment. "I understand, Madam. This here is an official pardon for Sirius Black, exonerating him of his alleged crimes. The next question is, what are we to do with Pettigrew?"

"If I might make a suggestion ..."

"Go ahead, Auror Potter."

James held up a Sickle and showed it to Peter. "We will let Lady Luck decide. Heads ..." he showed the normal side, "... we toss you into the Veil. Tails ..." here he showed the burnt side, "...I take you to Sirius and he decides what to do with you."

Neither one of these options sounded good to Peter. "James, would you do this to one of your friends?"

"You stopped being my friend the day you betrayed my other friends, Peter ... but relax. You are not thinking of the odds. 50/50. Unbiased. Fair."

He flipped the coin. "It looks like this is your lucky day after all, Peter."

He showed him the burnt side ...

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

Entering Gringotts, Sirius and Harry found a group of Goblin guards with their weapons drawn.

"What do you know? A welcoming commitee."

Before a fight could break out, a loud voice said, "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? LAY DOWN YOUR WEAPONS - NOW!"

"Your Majesty," said a Goblin, "is this not the alleged criminal Sirius Black?"

"Alleged criminal or not, he is still one of our wealthiest customers. I will not have bloodshed on the floors of My bank – HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU THIS? DO YOU WANT TO START ANOTHER WAR WITH THE WIZARDS?"

"Of course not, Your Majesty –"

"THEN DO AS I SAY, OR I WILL SEE THE LOT OF YOU BEHEADED!"

All the weapons clanged to the ground as His Majesty, Ragnok, King of the Goblin Nation, appeared.

"Rule #1 of Dealing with Goblins, Harry: Be Polite. Rule #2: If you do smile, do not show your teeth, for they see it as a sign of aggression. Rule #3: Do NOT, whatever you do, draw your wand in Gringotts."

"Lord Black ... Master Black ... how may Gringotts serve ye both today?"

"Best to start the greeting with a bow, son." They bowed. "May Your Majesty's gold flow forever! My son and I came to check on the status of the Black Vault ... and take care of some other business."

"May your enemies fear your approach, Lord Black ... Master Black. Come with me into my office, and we shall see how your vault stands."

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

"Does Your Majesty mind if I smoke?"

"No, Lord Black, I won't mind it at all. Go right ahead."

Sirius pulled out of his coat a pack of Camels. "Harry, in case you're wondering, the Black Family is so rich that we own a piece of R.J. Reynolds, the company behind Camels. Now, where in blazes is that damn lighter of mine?"

"If I may provide a lighter for you, Lord Black ..."

"Thank you, Your Majesty – whoa, a golden Zippo? Your Majesty has a rich taste!"

"No richer than your vault, Lord Black."

Sirius lit the Camel. "Ah, a classic cigarette lit by a classic lighter – what could be better? So ... relaxing ... now, to business. May I have an Inheritance test for my son here?"

"Aye, we can do that. All we need from Master Black is three drops of blood on this parchment."

Harry provided the three drops, and Ragnok looked over the document. "Hmmm ... Heir of House Black, of course ... Heir of House Potter ... I guess Lord Potter is not married, huh?"

"Nope. That half-scarred face is terrible for him in the romance department. Harry's the closest to a son he has."

"Quite so ... Heir of Gryffindor ... Heir of Slytherin by conquest ... makes sense ... his magic has a Block on it at the moment ... whoever put it there should have taken it off at the age of eleven ... don't you worry, we can take care of removing it ..."

"Any idea who placed it?" said Harry.

"It is the same suspicion as always, son: Albus TOO-MANY-MIDDLE-NAMES-MANIPULATIVE-OLD-GOATFUCKER Dumbledore."

"That's a mouthful if I ever heard one," said Harry with a mirthless snort.

"We could call him DUMB-AS-SHITE, but I believe that nickname belongs to that Ron Weasley."

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

"Who goes there?" said Ragnok.

"Auror James Potter, here to see my friend Sirius Black with a prisoner."

"Enter!"

James entered, dragging a handcuffed Peter Pettigrew with him. "Siri, I've got the traitorous little rat."

"You haven't tarred and feathered him yet?"

"Nope. We tried him, and he's guilty. The Minister wrote up a document giving you an official exoneration."

An excited Sirius grabbed said document and read it. "This is wonderful, James! I knew you would come through for me! Why did you bring the rat here?"

"I flipped my coin. Heads, we toss him through the Veil. Tails, I bring him to you to decide his fate."

"Hmmm ... as much as I would enjoy killing you, Peter ... I think I have a better idea ... Your Majesty, how would you like a slave to work with the dragons?"

"I find it acceptable. What's the rationale?"

"The rationale is that his actions threatened the lives of three of your wealthiest clients."

Ragnok smiled a toothy grin that promised suffering for Pettigrew. "We will accept this most generous offer."

"Ding, dong, the rat is dead ... or he will wish he was," said Sirius. "Look at the bright side, Peter: I believe that whatever doesn't kill you makes you ... stranger."

Listening to the cold, maniacal laughter that filled the room from human and goblin alike, Peter thought, "Oh, shit. Now I'll never get out of here ..."

He would not be surprised to find out how accurate that thought was after all ...

**Author's Note: I enjoyed this chapter. Read and review, and a happy Thanksgiving 2013!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer **


	4. Chapter 4

**"Son of the Joker"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters are the property of J.K. Rowling.**

**Chapter 4**

"Now that we have Pettigrew shoveling dragon shite for the rest of his natural existence," said Ragnok with a grin, "let me continue to examine this document. Hmm ... Bonded to Hermione Jean Granger ... how fortunate for you, Master Black, to have the blessing of finding Love at this age. My deepest congratulations would be in order once the Bond matures."

"My thanks to Your Majesty."

"No thanks necessary, young Master ... I do admit, even though I have not had the pleasure of meeting her, I have heard her name in connection to your exploits at Hogwarts for the past couple years. She is the smartest witch of your generation, so reports claim. If her beauty matches her intelligence, you have yourself the makings of a fine Bondmate."

"Hermione, did you hear that?" thought Harry. "Ragnok, King of the Goblin Nation, says that I have the makings of a fine Bondmate if your beauty matches your intelligence."

_"You are meeting with the Goblin King, Harry?"_ she thought back to him, shocked.

"Yes ... taking care of some banking business. He is looking over the outcome of my Inheritance Test."

The shock on her end did not abate. _"Harry ... only the most privileged clients get to meet Ragnok face to face. It does not matter to me, but how wealthy are you?"_

"Judging from Dad's expensive tuxedo ... and my godfather's sense of style ... do you remember how rich and snobbish the Malfoys were?"

_"Of course I do ... how can I forget their snobbish attitude? They seemed to think that the sun shone out of their arses."_

"Language, Miss Granger. Well, the Family is rich enough to make the Malfoys look like peasants by comparison. The wonderful thing is, I'm not being a snob about it."

_"Good ... or else I would have to pop that overinflated head of yours."_

"MY HEAD IS NOT OVERINFLATED! Besides, dear, if I ever turned out as a snob, I would have to kick my own arse."

She chuckled. _"Watch the language, Harry ... and my thanks to His Majesty for the compliment."_

"Your Majesty, she sends her thanks for Your Majesty's compliment."

Ragnok nodded with a smile. "It would be a great pleasure to meet her in person. I'm sure you can arrange that."

"No problem, Your Majesty. I will make sure to put it on the agenda."

"I will look forward to it. Now ... hmm ..."

Continuing his examination of the Inheritance Test document, Ragnok's face darkened in anger – never a good sign to see in a Goblin.

"Your Majesty, is there a problem?"

"How long has that scar given you trouble, Master Black?"

"As long as I could remember, Your Majesty."

"Under what circumstances?"

"In my first year, I would receive a blinding headache whenever I was around Professor Quirrell ... who turned out to have Voldemort in the back of his head."

Ragnok nodded. "This news would be troubling indeed. I hate being the bearer of bad news, but ... that scar holds a Horcrux."

"It holds a WHAT?!" said Sirius and James, rising from their seats.

"Lord Black ... Lord Potter ... please, sit back down. I can understand your shock and anger ... I'm as angry as the two of you."

"What's a Horcrux?" said Harry.

"Lord Black, if you would care to explain?"

"Thank you, Your Majesty," said Sirius as he took deep breaths, trying to calm down. "Son ... a Horcrux is an abominable application of a Dark magic called Necromancy, or magic that deals with death. The normal rule says that a person who dies goes on to the Afterlife, right?"

"You mean Heaven or Hell."

"Yes. A Horcrux is a piece of a wizard's soul hidden within an object. As long as the object exists, the wizard's soul stays here and does not go on its appointed passage."

"The wizard would not be able to die," said Harry, his face blanched. "You would have to destroy the object, wouldn't you?"

"Yes ... did you find one already?"

Harry nodded. "During my second year, I faced off against Voldemort. He was trying to use Ginny Weasley as a source to bring himself back to life. If he succeeded, Ginny would have died. I defeated him when I stabbed a Basilisk fang into his diary."

"A Basilisk? Kid, you never cease to impress me," said James. "How big was it?"

"Huge ... sixty feet, at least. It had petrified Hermione, just as she managed to discover its identity. Thanks to Fawkes – Dumbledore's phoenix – and the sword of Godric Gryffindor, I managed to kill the bloody beast!"

"That would explain why you are the Heir of Slytherin by conquest," said Ragnok. "You defeated Voldemort not once, not twice, but thrice. The first time was enough to cement your claim - the three times just made it clearer."

"So I was the Heir of Slytherin after all."

"Yes, you were, so you have inherited all the abilities that go along with it, such as the Parseltongue ability, among others. The Horcrux is a troubling situation, though, but don't worry - We of the Goblin Nation can extract it from you and banish it to the Abyss, where it belongs. In theory, a personal host for a Horcrux would need to die, but we have found another solution. It will be painful, but given the alternative, it will be worth it."

"Let's get it out of me, then."

"It may take a few hours to recover from the procedure, but I'm sure we can find something to do in the meantime. Come with me, and we shall banish it."

Ragnok took the three of them down to an underground chamber. Within was an altar shaped like a cross.

"We shall take care of the Horcrux extraction and removal of the magical Block in one fell swoop. To spare your Bondmate any pain from this, you will need to put up your Occlumency barriers."

"Hermione?" he thought.

_"Yes, Harry?"_

"I will have to be incommunicado for a while ... I have a serious problem that will be a pain to remove, and I want to spare you any pain."

_"I will be waiting to hear your sweet voice again, Harry. I love you, so don't you die on me."_

"I love you too."

"Lord Black? Lord Potter? If ye wish, ye may stay here to give Master Black your support."

"Don't worry, son. We will be here for you."

"Thanks, Dad. Your Majesty ... I hope this does not kill me."

"There may be a slim chance that it does, but We shall do our best to ensure you come out of this alive. Are you ready, young Harry?"

"As ready as I will ever be."

"Good ... you can change into the white robe we have provided, then you will lie down on the cross. We will take care of the rest."

Harry did so. Ragnok fastened the clamps on his wrists and ankles. The Goblin King dipped his finger in some sweet-smelling chrism (a Holy oil), then traced the Sign of the Cross onto the lightning bolt scar.

"Oremus. In Nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spritu Sancti, Amen. Cum auxilio Domini Dei Sanctissimi, et Angelorum Sanctorum, et Sanctorum, quod petimus, tibi praecipiamus, spirite maligne: A hunc puero, Harrio Pottero, exi! Nunquam eum turbabis!" (Let us pray. In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen. With the help of the Most Holy Lord God, the Holy Angels and Saints, for which we ask, we command you, evil spirit: Begone from this boy, Harry Potter! Never will you trouble him again!)

Harry opened his eyes. They were slits of a fiery red, and a dark voice came out of his mouth, saying, "A hunc puero exire nolo. Totas personas quas amat necabo, tum magnum gaudium capiam videns mortem suam." (I do not want to leave this boy. I will kill everyone whom he loves, then I will take great joy seeing his death.)

Ragnok unveiled a shining crucifix and shoved it in Harry's face, making the evil spirit cower and scream in pain. "EUM NON NOCEBIS, DAEMONIA! EXI AD FLAMMAS ABYSSI, QUAS OMNIPOTENS PRO POENIA TUA FECIT!" (YOU WILL NOT HARM HIM, DEMON! BEGONE TO THE FLAMES OF THE ABYSS WHICH THE ALMIGHTY MADE FOR YOUR PUNISHMENT!)

With one final, heart-wrenching wail, the spirit fragment of Voldemort left Harry's body. Ragnok made quick work of ripping the Block off of Harry's magic while the young wizard slept.

As for Sirius and James, the power radiating through the room was too much for them to handle, and they passed out ...

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

Harry opened up his eyes, which were their normal color once again. "Urghhh ... did anybody get the license plate number of the truck that ran me down?"

Sirius smiled. "Welcome back to the land of the living, son. You were out for several hours."

"We woke up a few minutes before you did, kid," said James. "That Horcrux removal took a lot out of you, but it's gone. So is the Block on your magic."

"While we wait for you to nourish yourself, son, James and I have a brief piece of business that requires our attention ... considering our next destination is Muggle London. We will be back in a jiffy."

"Take your time, Dad. I'm feeling famished anyway."

Sirius ruffled his hair. "Don't worry. Ragnok has his best Medigoblins here to make sure you recover as quick as you can."

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

"Does Your Majesty have a Floo network we may use?"

"Of course. Has Harry awoken yet?"

"Yes, he has ... quite famished too. James and I have to make a brief pit stop out by Madam Bones."

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

"Ah, gentlemen," said Madam Bones. "I'm glad to see you both. Have a seat."

"Thank you, Madam," they both said.

"Well, Sirius ... if you want your old post back as an Auror, I would be happy to arrange it."

"You are too kind, Madam, but I'm afraid my methods of dealing with any criminals would see me drummed out of the Aurors ... not to mention the time in Azkaban has cracked my sanity. Who wants an Auror with a cracked mind?"

"You mean more cracked than usual?" said James with an impish grin.

Sirius stuck out his tongue. "Bite me, Two Face. You don't seem the same as I remember since the day the Ministry tossed me in Camp Hell on Earth."

"Well, while I am happy to have sacrificed myself for Queen and Country, Madam Bones, with all due respect I will admit to you: I'm getting too old for this shit."

Madam Bones nodded. "I understand. Next to Mad-Eye Moody, you two are the best Aurors the Ministry could ever have. I will be sad to see you go."

"Madam Bones, don't worry. This won't be the last you will see of us: my son has a war to win. Please feel free to keep in touch."

"I will. May I get a look at your Animagus forms, so I may register them? The registration will be For My Eyes Only."

The next second, she was looking upon a large black dog and a stag.

"Thank you, gentlemen. You may change back now."

They did.

"Madam Bones," said Sirius, "I have one last question before we go. Has the Ministry passed word to the Muggle media about my exoneration? I don't want the Muggle cops to be after me."

"Yes, the Minister saw to it right after he wrote up your exoneration form."

"Thank you, Madam. Have a nice evening."

The two of them left through the Floo ...

**Author's Note: Another fun chapter done. The meeting of our favorite couple should be happening soon (next chapter, maybe?) I'm wondering what would be a good love song for this story? Something that will go well with the theme. Anyway, read and review!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


	5. Chapter 5

**"Son of the Joker"**

**By Loki Palmer**

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Now for a few review answers:**

**DZ2: I'm glad you love the story so far. I don't know if Harry is going to have a nickname ... and yes, that was an MIB reference you saw in Chapter 3. LOL!**

**To author texan-muggle: I took a year of Latin when I was in high school. I also have a few Latin resources, among them a Latin Missal and an Android Vulgate/Douay Rheims Bible. It's amazing to believe how many people believe all you need is a dictionary ... not so! There are factors like grammar and syntax to take into account. It drives me nuts when people botch a language in written work – Latin is not the same as English ... nor is French, for that matter. I'm a confessed language nerd, you see ...**

**Well, enough of my blather. On with the story**!

**Chapter 5**

After he ate a hearty meal, Harry said, "Thank you for the excellent meal. I think I will lie down a while."

The Medigoblin smiled. "Take all the rest you need, young Master Black."

With a sigh of contentment, Harry drifted off into sleep ...

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

... To find himself in the Hogwarts Library. Examining the collection of books, he found it was not the Hogwarts Library, for there were a number of Muggle authors within. There was William Shakespeare, the playwright and actor who wrote many classical plays. There was Charles Dickens, the British literary giant who wrote about the downtrodden of society. There was Gilbert Keith Chesterton, a British journalist of 300 pounds who wrote a plethora of newspaper articles and books about every topic under the sun. There was C.S. Lewis, Christian apologist, professor, and author of "The Chronicles of Narnia," among other works. There was Lewis's friend, J.R.R. Tolkien, a linguist and professor who could be called the Godfather of Epic Fantasy with his masterpiece, "The Lord of the Rings."

British authors were not the only ones, for there were authors from the United States as well – Mark Twain, Ernest Hemingway, Stephen King – among many others. This was a mere sample of the authors available

"I must be in Hermione's happy place," he said. "With all these books, she would be in Heaven."

"Not quite, Harry," she said behind him. "It's more like our happy place. Do you like it?"

He spun around and froze in wonder. Dressed in a simple blouse and a skirt, her beauty dazzled his eyes.

"Heaven must be missing an angel, Hermione ... and I love this library. How long have you been here?"

"About a few hours ... and if I may return the compliment, Olympus must be missing a god." Her hips started to sway as she walked towards him. "A tall ... powerful ... sexy ... god ..."

**"Uh-oh," **said Harry's brain, **"the Union Jack is rising."**

**"Ce n'est pas le drapeau brittanique qui se lève, chef – c'est le tricoloré!" (It's not the British flag which is rising, boss – it's the tricolor! [French flag])** said his Southern region.

**"Enough of these territorial disputes, Southern region! What's our status?"**

**"On est prêt pour faire un petit danse, faire un peu d'amour – vous savez, couilles au mur et tout cela." (We're ready to do a little dance, make a little love – you know, balls to the wall and all that.)**

"Harry," said Hermione, "hold on. I think I hear singing..."

They stopped and listened. Harry identified two of the three voices as his father and godfather. This was what they heard:

(to the tune of "God Save the Queen")

"Our Harry's Mate To Be,

Make him sweet giggity:

Of Thee we sing!

Make him a happy wife,

Always stay shagged for life,

May ye always live without strife:

God bless both ye!"

It was at this point that Harry woke up.

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

"Well, look who's awake ... and I'm not just talking about your Union Jack, son."

"Need a little help there, kid?" said James. "A cold shower seems to do the trick."

"That sounds like a good idea, godfather."

SPLASH! Much to the uproarious laughter of the trio gathered around Harry's bed, Remus tossed a bucket of cold water on him.

"Feeling better there, Harry?" he said.

Harry glowered at him. "Quite better, thank you. How about I have your name, rank, and preferred method of death?"

Seeing the scared look on Remus's face cracked him up in a maniacal cackle. "I'm joking about the death part!"

Remus breathed a sigh of relief. "Harry, my name is Remus Lupin ... also known as Moony. I'm a friend of these two jokers and, with them, I am a member of the famous Hogwarts prankster team called the Marauders."

"Whether you know it or not, son, you have prankster in your blood ... as well as a talent for bucking the rules when the occasion calls for it."

"He has Lily's green eyes, Siri," said James with a tear. "Not a day goes by that I don't miss your mother, kid."

"What kind of person was she? My mother, I mean ..."

"She was kind ... she had a fierce loyalty to her friends ... bloody brilliant ... gorgeous ... she was once ... twice ... three times ... a lady ..." said Sirius as he broke down in tears.

"Dad ... I'm sorry ..."

Sirius wiped the tears out of his eyes. "Sorry for what? Asking about your mother? No, son ... don't feel sorry about that. I needed a good cry ... it's never been the same for us since she died. James and I were livid with rage when we found out about Peter's betrayal of us, and we ran after him. That was where matters went wrong ..."

"Sure, we cornered him, and Peter teased Sirius that he must have become sick of her to betray her like he did," said James. "Before either one of us could fire off a spell, he cut off his finger and blew up the gas line. The fire burned up half of my face, even though I did stop, drop, and roll. It took me a good three months in St. Mungo's to heal, but Sirius was already in Azkaban. When I heard about his imprisonment, I went into a deep depression. Remus's company was one of the few factors that kept me going. Dumbledore told me not to worry, that you were safe ... the lying, goatfucking bastard ..."

A look of realization dawned in Remus's eyes. "Padfoot ... Prongs ... are you two pondering what I'm pondering?"

"We grab the Goatfucker, toss him onto a rotating spit –"

"– And roast him with marshmallows? Goat S'mores, that sounds delicious, doesn't it?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "No, you two knuckleheads. The Defense Professorship post is open again, right?"

"Which one of us should take it, Moony?" said James.

"How about ... all three of us?"

Sirius and James looked at each other. "BRILLIANT!" Then they headbutted each other.

"OW! Loud heavy metal concerts, mosh pits, head banging and headbutts ... Moony, Padfoot. ..."

"Yeah, Prongs?" they said.

"I'm getting too old for this shit ..."

**Author's Note: Another great chapter done, and don't worry ... Hermione meeting the new Harry and his "Family" will be coming soon. Read and review!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


	6. Chapter 6

**"Son of the Joker"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling.**

**To texan-muggle's review on Chapter 5, I could only laugh. Reading all these reviews is as entertaining as writing the chapters that inspire them! As odd as it may seem, I do not smoke anything illegal ... maybe it was decided that I should have the crazy Muse, I don't know. Stephen King, for some odd reason, envisioned his Muse as a guy who chomps cigars. I have always envisioned mine as a beautiful woman.**

**On with the story!**

**Chapter 6**

Harry arrived back in Ragnok's office accompanied by Sirius, James, and Remus.

Ragnok smiled. "Welcome back, Harry. Did you have a good meal and rest?"

"It was wonderful, Your Majesty. Do we have any other business necessary?"

"Aye, that we do ... hmm ... considering that you are the only son of Lord Black, the law permits you to claim Lordship of your House, as well as that of Lord Potter and your other inheritances."

Harry looked up at James. "Are you sure you want to pass up your Lordship to me?"

James smiled. "I'm sure. In view of these witnesses, I, Lord James Charlus Potter, pass my Lordship onto my godson, Harry Damien Diabolitus Black. Will he accept?"

"I will."

James took off his Lordship ring and put it on Harry's finger. "Then receive the Potter Lordship with my blessing, along with the Gryffindor Lordship, for the Potters are the last surviving members of Godric Gryffindor's line."

As the ring went onto Harry's finger, a red and gold phoenix fire surrounded him, signifying that the Potter Magic had accepted its new Lord.

Sirius took off his Lordship ring. "It is time, son, for the magic of Lord Black to pass on. Besides you, I never had any other children, and I never will, thanks to the years in Camp Hell on Earth ... not only did the Dementors there crack my sanity, the prolonged exposure to them made me sterile. Having said this, I, Lord Sirius Orion Black, pass my Lordship onto my son, Lord Harry Damien Diabolitus Black Potter. Oooh ... a Black Potter ..." he chuckled, "I like the sound of that ..."

As Harry put on this second ring, black, green, and silver flames joined the red and gold ones. When the fire disappeared, his height had grown to his Father's level and his physique had grown from skinny to well toned.

"Padfoot, I have a quick question."

"What's that, Two Face?"

"How do we expect to keep the fangirl mobs away from him while we are shopping for his clothes?"

Sirius grinned. "Two Face, my dear friend, that is just half the fun!" He had himself a maniacal cackle as Harry's face blanched in terror.

"Padfoot," said Remus, "have a heart ... you're scaring Harry."

"Why should this scare you, son? Have you never faced fangirls before?"

"Not in mobs, Dad ... and besides, during my first two years at Hogwarts, I was young. You know ... I had not hit puberty yet."

"Well, now that you have hit puberty, you have much to learn about ... females ... the hormones ... giggity .. and everything else that goes along with them. Why don't they teach about this in Hogwarts, Two Face?"

"I think they decide to leave it up to the parents, Siri."

"It makes sense ... we don't want hormonal teenagers shagging at every opportunity that presents itself. Although they will go on the Broom Closet Tour sooner or later, so it would be best that the parents teach them before their hormones start kicking.

Now, son, puberty is the time of life when these hormones – for lack of a better term, chemicals – will run amok in your body, preparing it for adulthood and mating. We males have a hormone called testosterone, which builds up our body, our facial hair, acne – have to watch for that, son – hair downstairs, and so forth. Let's not forget it also inspires the sex drive.

As for the females, they have estrogen, which will build out their chests, making these wonderful pillows we men know as boobs, widen out their hips for childbearing, and start off the monthly bitch called the menstrual cycle. The womb, where the child will grow for nine months, builds up its tissue in expectation of receiving a fertilized egg. The female ovary releases one egg each month, which floats down the Fallopian tube to the womb. If the male sperm fertilize it, you will have a baby growing there. If not, it will go away, along with the extra tissue lining. This is called menstruation, and it's a bitch for us, because we have to put up with their pain. Lily told me that the pain was similar to taking a baseball bat to your balls."

"Ouch," the others said.

"Yep. Now, regarding male anatomy, we have your Union Jack – oops, meant to say penis – and your balls – testes. The balls produce the sperm, and the penis delivers it. The process of delivering it - known as sex, giggity, and many other terms – is simple. Insert your sword into the female's sheath, and repeat as often as desired. I won't go into the details of how many positions are available. I'm sure Hermione will – ahem – educate you on that subject ... giggity ..."

_"I'm sure you will enjoy it, Harry,"_ he heard her thinking to him.

"Hermione, are you listening to this conversation?"

_"Not listening per se ... but your thoughts are echoing the contents to me."_

Harry put his head in his hands. "Oy ... Dad, did you know that Hermione can hear this conversation?"

Sirius chuckled. "It would not surprise me, son. Well, if Hermione can hear this, here are two more words on the subject of positions: Kama Sutra."

"The Kama what?" thought Harry.

_"Oh, my word, Harry! You've never heard of the Kama Sutra?"_

"No, should I have?"

_"If my research serves me right, it is a manual written in India ... and it's chock full of sex positions. Interesting ... you and I could read it sometime ... why, Harry ... are you blushing?"_

"Tomato red, no thanks to you, Hermione,"

He could hear her laugh. _"You are welcome for that, dearest Harry. I shall have to see if Parvati can buy us a copy."_

"Thanks a lot for that suggestion, Dad!"

"Harry, my dear son ... thank Hermione when she will be giving you the best giggity of your life one day, for the brainiest witches have a tendency to be the naughtiest."

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

As the theme to "Austin Powers" played, the quartet arrived at Harrod's in a limo, then shopped with a mob of fangirls running after them ...

**Author's Note: Hilarious, eh? Hope you liked it. Read and review!**

**Smiles,**

**Loki Palmer**


	7. Chapter 7

**"Son of the Joker"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I'm loving all these reviews, as usual – my Muse seems like Bellatrix Lestrange, you say, texan-muggle? Hmm ... maybe in the moments when I have to pick on those whom I consider Harry's enemies ... the Dursleys come to mind ... as well as "Troll Brain" Weasley ...**

**And, now, the moment we have all been waiting for ... the meeting with Hermione and her parents ...**

**Chapter 7**

DING DONG!

"I'll get it, Daddy!" said Hermione as she ran for the door. "Who goes there?"

"Hermione?" said a familiar voice. "This is Lord Harry Black, here to see you with the Joker, Two Face, and the Big Bad Wolf."

A laugh came from the trio accompanying him. "Son, you will scare her away!"

"Harry? What were the words I said to you in first year when I hugged you?"

"You said, 'Books and cleverness! There are more important things, like bravery, loyalty ...' Well, it seemed to me you didn't finish that sen -"

WHAM!

A brunette-haired missile knocked into Harry, knocking him onto the ground. This prompted more laughter.

"I guess I can finish the sentence now, Harry," she said above him. "And love, Harry. I was too shy to say it then, you see."

"A little help here, please, Hermione?"

"What's the matter, Harry? Not enjoying the view?"

More hysterical laughter sounded.

"Oh-ho! She got you there, son!"

"A devious sense of humor - who would have thought?"

"She's killing us in laughter, kid!"

"KILLING US IN LAUGHTER! THAT'S A GOOD ONE, PRONGS!"

"Hermione, it's not the question of whether I enjoy the view from down here – which I am – very much ... "

"Giggity," said Sirius in an undertone.

"I HEARD THAT, DAD! As I was saying, wearing a tuxedo and lying down on the ground don't mix together at all."

Even Dan and Emma Granger could not hide their chuckles as they helped Harry get up.

"At least she didn't knock you into any mud, Lord Black, so no harm done. This is a fine red tuxedo you are wearing, and you don't want to ruin it."

"Hermione's hugs can be ... enthusiastic, dearie," said Emma.

"Thank you for the help, sir ... ma'am ..."

"It's Dan and Emma, Harry ... if we may call you that ..."

"You may."

"That's fine then. Come inside, you and these .. jokers ..."

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

"Well, Harry, would you like to introduce these others you have with you?"

"Allright. First of all, my father, the Joker, Sirius Orion Black."

"My congratulations on your recent exoneration, Sirius."

"Thank you, Dan. It was Hell to be shut away from my son for about 12 years in a maximum security prison with guards that sucked every happy memory out of me. Camp Hell on Earth, I call it. The experience was terrible on my sanity too – hence my alternate ... personality of the Joker."

"Next, we have his friend, my godfather, James Two Face Potter."

"Peter Pettigrew, the rat fink who betrayed Sirius, burned half of my face before he left the scene. Thanks to some help from my friend, Remus Moony Lupin, I captured the rat, got him to spill his guts about the betrayal, brought him to Gringotts ... let's just say he's going to be shoveling dragon excrement for the rest of his miserable existence on the charge of endangering the lives of the bank's three wealthiest clients: myself, Sirius, and Harry. Now, as Lord of the Black and Potter Houses, Harry's now the wealthiest client."

"You're also an officer, isn't that right, James?"

"I was, but I decided to retire from that line of work, Dan. I'm happy enough to have my friends and my godson around me. Wait ... how did you know that?"

"We saw a brief news interview with Sirius outside of Harrod's..."

**~FLASHBACK~**

The newscaster was standing outside Harrod's with Sirius Black and his cameraman. "Sirius Black, how does it feel to be a free man?"

"It feels ... oh, how do I say this right? It's wonderful, like someone told me I won the lottery."

"I can imagine. How did they find the real person who betrayed you and your family?"

"My friend, Officer Potter, found him, brought him in for questioning, and bada bing, I'm a free man."

"Do you have any plans what you are going to do now?"

"I plan to catch up on time that I've lost with my son, Lord Harry Black, among plenty of other things." He flicked off a ladybug that had appeared on his jacket.

"Does Lord Black want to come on camera and give any comment on his father's recent exoneration?"

The voice of Harry said, "I'm not appearing on camera, but I'm happy to know he's back for me."

As the limo left, the newscaster said, "It is good to see a family reunited. We will have to catch him another time."

Hermione looked at her parents. "I would recognize that voice anywhere."

"You know what, pumpkin? So would we."

The three of them said, "Harry!"

**~END OF FLASHBACK~**

"Last but not least, the Big Bad Wolf, Remus Moony Lupin."

"I turn into a Big Bad Wolf once a month, Dan ... during the full moon. The good news is that in recent times, somebody invented the Wolfsbane Potion that allows me to keep my wolfish side in check when I transform. A fortunate side effect is that I turn moody when it gets near to the full moon, so it does give my friends fair warning."

"That is a relief to know, Remus. Harry, you have gained a lot of weight since we saw you a year ago. To think, you looked like a scrawny shrimp of a boy back then. Emma and I were starting to suspect that there was something rotten in the state of Surrey. Too much more of this treatment, Harry, and we would have come to rescue you ourselves. Hermione thinks the world of you, she writes about you in all her letters back home ... I'm starting to think that you would make a fine son-in-law."

He noted that Emma, Harry, and Hermione were beaming at him, while the other three were looking at him in some shock. "What? Was it something I said?"

"Dan," said Sirius, struggling to put the words together, "it was that ... line ... you said ... about Harry making a fine son-in-law ... what if I was to tell you ... that he has shown himself to be a fine son-in-law ... since Halloween of their first year?"

"It was after that Halloween that we started hearing her gush about Harry in her letters," said Emma. "Something about a creature that had made it into the school, and Harry had knocked it out, with some help from a friend of his ... Ron Weasley, I believe?"

Harry nodded. "It was a 12 foot tall Troll ... stinky creature ... not to mention moronic ... you see, Emma, it was on account of Ron's insult that Hermione ended up there crying in the bathroom ... by the time he and I arrived there to get her, the Troll had arrived there first. It was not an easy fight, but we managed to knock it out with its own club. Professor McGonagall said not many first years could fight a full grown Mountain Troll and live to tell the tale. At my first Quidditch match, she saved my life from a bucking broomstick by setting fire to Professor Snape's robes ..."

This set the trio to laughing. "Way to go, Hermione!"

"I would pay good Galleons to see that prank!"

"Old Snivelly on fire!"

Hermione's face took on a heated blush. "I thought he was behind the cursing of Harry's broomstick!"

The laughter did not stop for a couple minutes. When it calmed down, Sirius said, "Continue, Harry."

"Let's see ... she got me through a Devil's Snare trap ..."

"It's a plant that cannot handle light or fire," said Hermione by way of explanation.

"... she helped me find the right potion in a logic puzzle ..."

"I told him that many wizards don't have an ounce of logic."

"Sad but true," said Remus.

"Second year, she saved my life from a rogue Bludger that broke my arm and it had a close call with the family jewels ..."

"Whew," said Sirius. "At least there is still hope for the Family line."

"... she found out it was a Basilisk that was Petrifying people, and I killed it ..."

"A Basilisk?" said Dan and Emma.

"A snake of at least 60 feet that can kill people on sight. If you look at its reflection, it will turn you to stone. Hermione had a mirror with her the day that the Basilisk tried to kill her, that is why she got Petrified in the first place. In a burst of anger, I beat up Draco Malfoy for saying he hoped that Hermione would be the next to die. He had to spend a couple months in the Hospital Wing. I felt THAT pissed about it. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, HURTS HERMIONE AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!"

There was a deafening thunderclap overhead at Harry's declaration. Dan was looking at him in a new light. This was no young man, he thought. This was a terrible warrior who would bring all Nine Levels of Hell upon anyone who even thought of hurting Hermione.

"You see, Dan ..." said Sirius, "my son's rescue of Hermione from that Troll in his first year started off a rare Magic called a Bond, and it has grown stronger by the day. Given enough time and nurture, it will mature into a Bond that will link them as Lord and Lady. The usual time of a Bond's maturity is about puberty. Has Emma given her The Talk?"

"Yes, she has ... have you given Harry The Talk?"

"Oh, yes ... at least, the important details he needs to know ... although, don't you worry ... intercourse is not necessary for the maturing of the Bond, so we can rest our heads about that. I don't think either one of us are ready for grandchildren yet."

Dan breathed a sigh of relief. "You and I are in agreement, Sirius. Harry .. even with all these sudden ... revelations ... I will not take back anything I said, young man. I would be proud to become your father-in-law."

"Aw, no ball busting?" said Sirius. "I was looking forward to seeing my son squirm!"

"DAD!"

Sirius broke out in a chuckle. "Lighten up, son!"

"I can't bust this kid's balls any more than what life has tossed at him, Sirius. Even though I was a medic once upon a time, the war I saw is nothing compared to what he has faced in his young years. I can add no more to the fire that has tested him, and he has come out a conqueror."

He knelt before Harry, and kissed his Lord's ring in homage. "You have my blessing."

**Author's Note: Well, that was quite a chapter to write – and all in one day! Read and review – I hope you like it!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


	8. Chapter 8

**"Son of the Joker"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling.**

**To author dreamjanus, who asked if he could have some of whatever I'm smoking: Dude, I do not smoke weed ... but if you want some idea of what I smoke, when I smoke ... Camel Turkish Royals ... which you can only get in the U.S., as far as I'm aware (sorry to my British friends such as DZ2). I also have a pipe I will smoke from time to time, and that has an aromatic tobacco called Carter Hall. Hope that helps ... LOL ...**

**Pennyiswise: Oh, yes, Harry is very lucky indeed that he doesn't have to break a sweat to win over Hermione's parents ... if only the rest of us males could be that lucky ... **

**Chapter 8**

Harry patted Dan on his shoulder. "Thank you, Dan, for your blessing."

Emma gave Harry a tight hug. "We are so glad to join your Family, dearie."

When the hug released, Harry said, "I guess I know the source of Hermione's bone-crushing hugs."

Hermione beamed at him. "So, my dearest Harry, don't you have something to ask me?"

He smiled at her as he pulled out a ring box. "Now that I have your parents' approval and blessing ... I thought I would have to work harder for it ..."

"I still reserve the right to tease you at any moment I see fit," said Dan.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Thanks a lot, Dan ... Hermione ..." he opened the ring box, "... would you give me the honor of your hand in marriage?"

Hermione's only answer was a passionate kiss, accompanied by whistling, catcalls, lightning, thunder, and a bright light shining from the couple. When conditions came back to normal, Sirius edged as close as he dared to the couple.

"Hermione ... how are you feeling?"

The maniacal laugh that rose out of her chilled the company to the bone. She then looked at Harry and started to sing: [to the tune of "My Lullaby" from "The Lion King II"]

"Peace, my dark-haired husband,

Let your flag fly unfurled,

Now that We have become strong,

We shall rule the World!

Two years you have been a naïve

Goody two shoes to the core;

With my genius brains, I believe

My Dark Lion's going to roar!

When I think of Troll Brain Weasley,

That stupid, fucking rat

My bloodlust boils within me,

And I want to pay him back!

Your enemies have become mine!

We'll tear them from front and behind!

In terror their screams will rise too high;

That is when they'll die!

As for those Pureblood bigots

Like Malfoy and company,

We'll beat them all into shit:

Dumb, Dumber and DEE DEE DEE!

Harry sang:

"Now my Lioness can instill fear,

No one shall insult her name!"

Hermione continued the song:

"Yes, when we come back to school, dear,

Hogwarts will not be the same!

Your enemies have become mine!

We'll tear them from front and behind!

In terror their screams will rise too high;

That is when they'll die!

Lily's dead, but Mione will be here

To love this darling son;

I will show him all he's missing,

And new ways to have his fun!"

Sirius, James and Remus sang:

"We have ourselves a monster,

Yet we like her all the more!"

Harry and Hermione sang:

"Now that We have become strong,

Our Dark Pride's going to roar!"

Lightning and thunder shook the sky overhead, as Hermione continued the song:

"From Slytherin to Gryffindor,

All shall quake at Our Dark roar

And Our dark bloodlust –"

Harry said, "SING IT, MAI!"

Hermione sang,

"I can hear the screaming:"

Sirius, James, Remus, and Harry said, "TROLL BRAIN'S GOING TO DIE!"

Hermione finished the song:

"Of terror I am dreaming,

And so Our foes shall cry,

Under a pitch Black sky

That is when they'll die!"

Both Dan and Emma looked at their daughter in some fear. "We've ... never seen this side of Hermione before ..."

"I think Troll Brain said it best back in our first year after she cast a Full Body Bind on Neville for getting in our way," said Harry. "He said, 'You are scary, you know that? Brilliant but scary.' Neville has so much potential, you know?"

"Neville," said James, "where have I heard that name? Wait, kid, you mean Neville Longbottom?"

"That's the one, godfather."

"His parents were Aurors with Sirius and me – until Bellatrix Lestrange, Sirius's cousin, tortured them into madness."

"Dan, Emma, I am afraid to say that madness tends to run in my Family. It must have been all the Pureblood inbreeding. As for Harry, I don't see how anyone can go through what he did and NOT end up insane."

"Isn't there something in the Black marriage contracts that forbids marrying a Death Eater?" said James.

Sirius smiled. "Now that I think about it, James, you are right. My Father, bigoted as he was, thought the Death Eaters went too far in their campaign of exterminating Muggles, Muggleborns, and anyone they thought impure ... not to mention other unsavory activities ..."

"I think I can see where Dad is going with this," said Harry as he stretched out, "but it's getting late. Hermione and I should go to bed ... for sleeping, nothing else."

"Thanks for your consideration, Harry," said Dan.

Sirius transformed into his dog form and ran after the couple.

"Don't worry, Dan," said James. "He is housebroken. Remus and I will sleep out here."

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

The next morning, Harry and Hermione awoke to the sound of a dog wagging its tail and kissing them with abandon.

Waggity, waggity, wag, wag, wag wag, wag!

"PADFOOT, GET OFF!"

They saw Sirius. "Well, get yourselves up! It's a wonderful day out there! There are pranks to play, things to see and people to do! OH!"

"Harry, your father may be sterile thanks to Azkaban, but he remains insatiable!"

"I'm surprised I did not get any siblings."

"Well, Harry, your parents were concerned with the war, weren't they?"

Harry nodded. "True. Do we want to get up?"

"Good question," Hermione said. She felt something poking her belly. "Is that a wand, Harry, or are you happy to see me?"

"Oops, sorry about that, Hermione."

"Sorry about what? Morning wood is a natural condition. Would you like me to ... help you out with it?"

"Allow me," said Sirius, carrying a bucket of water.

"DAD, NO!"

The protest was too late, and the cold water drenched the couple. Hermione glared at Sirius.

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK, YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!"

"Oh, shite …" thought Sirius as he ran, Hermione hot on his heels ...

**Author's Note: Another fun chapter done. I'm enjoying this, and I hope y'all are too. Read and review!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


	9. Chapter 9

**"Son of the Joker"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling.**

**DZ2, my friend: I'm ecstatic that you loved my parody of "My Lullaby" from "The Lion King II". It is one thing to make a parody, but a musical parody or a poetical parody is something else, since I have to make sure it fits in the tune or the meter of the original.**

**He also asked for permission to make use of it in one of his stories; I gave it. The name of the story is "Know Your Enemy," and while I do not have the heart to bash Hermione Granger (no one insults her in my works without the insulter ending up hurt), I nevertheless think it is a good story, and I cannot wait to see how his use of the parody turns out ...**

**Chapter 9**

"PADFOOT!"

A wet dog shaking itself woke up James and Remus - to be more exact, Hermione's yell woke them up, but the wet dog shaking made sure they were awake.

Hermione went into the bathroom to take her shower, while Harry went into the kitchen to cook breakfast. He could hear her singing Edith Piaf's song "La Vie en Rose," but when she arrived at the chorus, instead of the French original, this was what she sang:

"When he holds me in his arms,

I feel so safe from harm,

Je vois une vie de roses! (I see a life of roses!)

He will whisper words of love,

And I can't get enough,

Il me fait tant de choses! (He does so many things to me!) ,

He has stolen my dear heart,

Which, while it stops and starts,

Je sais trop bien la cause: (I know the cause too well:)

He is mine, and I am his for our lives!

I'm so happy to be his for all time!

And as soon as I'm aware,

My heart begins to dare:

Aussi je l'aime! (I love him too!)

"That was beautiful, Hermione," she heard him saying in her mind. "Where did you learn French?"

_"I started learning it when I was younger, Harry. Do you know any?"_

"I did not know any, but with your help and your brains, learning it should be no problem."

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

As Hermione came out to the kitchen, she heard some jazz music playing, then Harry was singing, with Sirius, Remus and James as backup: [to the tune of "Money (That's What I Want)" by Barrett Strong]

"Cooking breakfast for my darling dear!

I have everyone I need right here!

I have my Mione! (That's what he has!)

I have my Mione! (That's what he has!)

I have my Mione! (That's what he has!)

I have my Mione! (That's what he has!)"

Hermione gave him a kiss, and continued the song:

"Lots of money, it is nice, it's true!

It can't give me what I have from you!

I have my Harry! (That's what she has!)

I have my Harry! (That's what she has!)

I have my Harry! (That's what she has!)

I have my Harry! (That's what she has!)"

During a musical interlude, James conjured up a saxophone and went on a solo. After the solo, Harry sang:

"With my Mione my life's complete!

We'll be living now on Easy Street!

I have my Mione! (That's what he has!)

I have my Mione! (That's what he has!)

I have my Mione! (That's what he has!)

I have my Mione! (That's what he has!)"

"Well, someone is having a happy morning," said Dan as he entered with Emma. "What's cooking out here? It smells good."

"Oh, eggs ... bacon ... you know, Dan ... breakfast ... Dad, get away! No, you aren't sneaking in an early breakfast! Wait at the table ... NO, NOT THE COUNTER, THE DINING ROOM TABLE! Hermione, a little help here?"

"Sure, Harry." She grabbed Sirius by the ear.

"OUCH, HERMIONE! OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!"

Dragging him out of the kitchen, she threw him into a chair.

"SIT! STAY!"

"Yes, Ma'am," he said with a petulant frown. This cracked James and Remus up in laughter.

"That sight sure takes you back, doesn't it, Moony?"

"Agreed, Two Face. Lily would do that to Sirius all the time."

"How much longer until breakfast is ready?" said Sirius.

"It will be about one more minute, Dad," said Harry from the kitchen.

"DANIEL GRANGER, LET THE LAD COOK BREAKFAST AND COME OUT HERE THIS INSTANT!"

"But Emma – OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!"

Emma dragged Dan out of the kitchen by his ear and threw him into the chair next to Sirius, provoking more laughter. Emma and Hermione glared at the two troublemakers.

"Are you two going to behave and wait?" they said.

Sirius and Dan, though their faces had petulant frowns, bowed their heads in shame. "Yes, Ma'am," they said.

They were soon to find that breakfast was worth the wait.

"Whoa, Harry," said Dan, "this bacon is magnificent! And the eggs ... it's like I've never eaten eggs before. Emma, can we keep him?"

"Oh, Daniel," she said laughing, "he's our son-in-law now – we have him already! I do declare, Harry, all this time and we never knew you were a chef! What's not to like about you, dearie? Hermione, your husband is a keeper."

Sirius smiled at his son. "Indeed, son ... that was the only benefit to come out of living with those ... Dursleys, may they rot in Hell for the intolerable suffering they inflicted on you ... may I have seconds?"

"Go ahead, Dad. I made plenty for everyone."

"Yay!"

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

"All I wanted was a life free of that freak!" said Vernon in the environs of Hell. "Why do I deserve this?"

"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH, SINNER, AND TAKE YOUR BATH!" said a Demon, shoving him into the lake of boiling blood named Phlegethon.

King Minos had considered sending Dudley into Phlegethon, but the collection of hidden pornographic magazines changed his mind. Marge Dursley had become Cerberus's bitch, and Petunia was freezing in the Lake of Treachery.

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

A knocking sounded at the doors of Ragnok's office.

"Enter! Why, Lord Black, may your blades stay sharp!"

"And may Your Majesty's enemies tremble," said Harry as he entered with his entourage. "Your Majesty, allow me to present my Bondmate, Lady Hermione Black née Granger."

"Your Majesty," she said, bowing.

Ragnok got up from his chair and walked to the couple. "There is no need to bow to Us, Milady." With that statement, he did something no Goblin had done before:

He bowed before Hermione and kissed her ring ...

**Author's Note: Another fun chapter done. Read and review, and have yourselves a Merry Christmas 2013 (regardless of whether or not I post up another chapter before then) ...**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


	10. Chapter 10

**"Son of the Joker"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I do hope y'all enjoy this chapter, and the parody within. Aw, who am I kidding?**

**Chapter 10**

Hermione blushed at Ragnok's show of affection. "Your Majesty does my hand too much honor."

"From what I've heard and read of Milady's exploits protecting our wealthiest customer, Milady's hand – or Milady, for that matter – can never receive too much honor in the eyes of the Goblin Nation. Lord Black, the Almighty has blessed you beyond measure in such a fair gem of a Lady."

A smiling Harry had to restrain his chuckle at Hermione's blush, yet the smile remained on his face. "I thank Your Majesty for the high praise."

"You are most welcome. Now, I presume you have other business besides the introduction of Lady Black?"

"Yes, Your Majesty. Considering that I am the Lord of Houses Black and Potter, not to mention Slytherin and Gryffindor, are more wives necessary for these other Houses, or is one wife sufficient for all?"

"Ah, the age old question of monogamy versus polygamy; a good question, Lord Black. Polygamy may have been more common in older times, but it is rare to see in this day and age. There is nothing in the laws saying you have to have one wife to cover one House, but there is nothing in the laws against the idea of polygamy either. With that consideration, it will be up to the both of you to decide if more than one wife is necessary."

"So, nothing in the law for polygamy and nothing against it either. Thanks for Your Majesty's input. For now, I'm happy enough with Hermione. If she deems it necessary for me to take another wife, we shall think about it."

"Damn right we shall," she said. "You're not getting another wife without my approval and input."

Harry kissed her. "Of course, dear. I thought I would get that question out of the way. Next, I would like to look at the marriage contracts for Narcissa Malfoy née Black and Bellatrix Lestrange née Black."

Ragnok sent a Goblin out to find those contracts. A couple minutes later, they arrived at the office.

Harry examined them, and his face broke out in the smile of a shark smelling blood. "What do you know, Dad? Our guess was right ... the marriage is null and void if the husband joins the Death Eaters."

Sirius thought for a moment. "Well, son, now that I think about it, Bellatrix is in Azkaban, but she is in a more demented state than me. She has become a Pureblood bigot to the core, I'm sad to say. As for Narcissa Malfoy, I believe she had stayed loyal to us, in spite of being married off to that faygeles Lucius Malfoy – another Pureblood bigot. As for their spawn, Draco, he may be a clone of his father, or maybe not. We shall have to wait and see about him."

Harry nodded. "Well, considering this, as Lord Black, I shall declare that these marriages – the marriage of Lucius Malfoy to Narcissa Black and the marriage of Rudolphus Lestrange to Bellatrix Black – are null and void, therefore the Family of Black shall reclaim whatever dowries they received. For joining with the Death Eaters, I cast Bellatrix Black out of the Family. For his attempt to murder my beloved by way of that Basilisk, I claim whatever shall remain of Lucius Malfoy's vault after the withdrawal of his dowry, as well as his property. So has Lord Black spoken, so mote it be!"

Out in the countryside of Wiltshire, England, a Manor catapulted Lucius Malfoy out of its environs to make a crash landing in Azkaban. The noise of the aforementioned crash landing drew the attention of a number of Dementors, who thought, "How sweet ... fresh meat!"

"Oh ... fuck me," said Lucius in a groan. "How the Hell did I end up here?"

"A bit too late for that, isn't it, Lucius?" said fellow prisoner Rudolphus Lestrange. "As I see it, you are already fucked ..."

**~SON OF THE JOKER~**

As they exited Gringotts, Hermione said, "Well, Harry, how about some shopping?"

Pulling out a saxophone, James started playing a jazz riff, and Sirius sang: [to the tune of "Thrift Shop" by Macklemore]

We've come out filthy rich, with many Galleons in our wallet,

Oh-oh, we're shopping, looking for some new stuff,

Merlin, this is awesome!

Harry started to rap:

"Came out of an appointment at the Goblin bank of Gringotts,

Feeling real excited about the stuff I'll buy as I shop,

Money to spend, I know it's so scary,

My friends say,"

Neville, Dean, and Seamus said,

"Well, if it isn't Harry!"

Harry continued the rap:

"Neville, hey, what's up man? I know I'm so famous and

Dean the machine, let's not forget the Irishman,

Where is the Troll Brain?"

Ron "Troll Brain" Weasley ran in:

"Somebody get this off of me!"

Harry continued:

"What is that, a new hat? Looks more like a feline to me ..."

The hat on Weasley's head started to yowl. A shopkeeper said,

"Lord Black, you can have it for free!"

Harry continued:

"Bought a cat, a rich hat, and now I'm feeling very phat,

Pretty Hot and Tempting, not like Troll Brain, that stinking rat,

'Tracting lots of witches, must give 'em my apologies,

Sorry, dears, I'm taken; Mione's the only one for me!

Gonna get the Malfoy style, gonna get the Malfoy style,

No, for real – tell the Fayg'les – he's poorer than Weasley now!

Some new Zoot suits and new Fedoras

Buying all this, and I've got some mo' Simollas!

Dressing like Sinatra, talk like a New Yorka

What's a madda me? I've been reborn, busta!

Hello, hello? Send the news to Draco:

Lucy ain't got nothing on my new style, hey, no!

Now to buy some new books and put 'em in a bag,

My friends they will all say,"

Neville, Dean, and Seamus said,

"Damn! He's gonna get shagged!"

Sirius sang:

"We've come out filthy rich, with many Galleons in our wallet,

Oh-oh, we're shopping, looking for some new stuff,

Merlin, this is awesome!

We've come out filthy rich, with many Galleons in our wallet,

Oh-oh, we're shopping, looking for some new stuff,

Merlin, this is awesome!"

**Author's Note: Another fun chapter done. I believe, for once, I shall put up a small poll on my profile concerning whether Harry will stay with JUST Hermione. Read and review!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


End file.
